I like how at this point in the game, instead of saying “You’re up early!” my sister now just says “Uhh…I don’t think you’ve slept.”
Three different people have said they’re proud of me and that I should follow my dreams and I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO SO I JUST STARTED CRYING BECAUSE I’M NOT USED TO PEOPLE TELLING ME NICE THINGS LIKE THAT. lik e what’s positive reinforcement guys whaat?????
Stupid family all acting like it ain’t no big deal. 50k isn’t much IS IT. stop just assuming it was easy JUST BECAUSE I qas good at bullshitting essays in high school. IT’S NOT THE SAME. And stop saying I’m a good writer when you’ve never read anything I’ve written. It just makes it empty. Gahhh how supportive of you are.
I DID A THING.
Sadly, after thinking I would have problems even writing 50k for my book, it’s only maybe 2/3rds of the way done at 51k, so I”ll have to keep going! So I can continue on with the rest of my life, I’m going to limit my writing to about an hour a day from now on, but that’s still going to be about 2k!
I’M SO HAPPY! I’ve discovered that I CAN write a lot! Now I just need to learn to write well! I’m 100% positive that I need to edit the shit out of this once i’m done, but I’ve already looked some parts over, and it has some keepers. I don’t completely hate what I wrote! I DID IT YOU GUYS NNIODJFOKAJMGHB*UJIDAUHGHB*UIOSFI and in only twelve days! Since I didn’t start until the sixth, only to quit, and then start it up again on the nineteenth. I’m so glad I did, too. It’s been a while since I’ve truly been proud of myself, and this is one of those times. Go me!
If you’re still going, you can do it! And even if you don’t make it to 50k, you still tried and that’s awesome of you, so good job! And celebrate it anyways because you’re a baddass awesome mother fucker. Believe it!
I wish it wasn’t thanksgiving. There’s something about us all being together that turns the rest of my family into biggoted assholes. I should be used to it by now, but I guess I’m not. Within two fucking minites I was yelled at for not wanting to touch the ham, my sister made a joke about lynching gay people, and the same sister made a joke about how Mary was a whore who probably got raped to get pregnant. And I can’t even say anything to defend myself because my dad doesn’t believe in bosexuality, and no one but the sister making the jokes knows about the rape. And I feel so fucking bad about being so ungrateful on a day of thankfulness. But, fuck. I’m so fucking frustrated, I feel like crying.
I’m thankful for moving on. I’m thankful that so much has changed, improved, even if I didn’t even notice it until it had already happened. I’m grateful for the differences I can see even from last year, not so much in what I do but in the way I do it. Everything has a hopeful edge to it, like maybe I think things might actually work out in the end.
Last year during this time, I’d flunked out of school, quit my job, tried to kill myself, was barely sleeping, having continuous nightmares about my rape when I did, sliting my wrists nearly daily, and pushing away anyone important to me. I had given up.
This year, I applied to return to school, I’m thinking about a studying abroad, I’m looking for a job, I haven’t cut myself in 83 days, I sleep pretty regularly, I rarely have rape dreams, I saw my rapist exboyfriend and didn’t break, I’ve rekindled my friendship with christine and opened up the one with Victoria, patched up a few sister bonds, reopened a rocky relationship with my father, come out of the closet to a few, and have almost won nanowrimo.
For most of this year, I’ve thought I was at standstill, but looking back, so much has changed. Sure, I still feel like giving up sometimes, and anxiety is still I problem, but I’ve already come so far. I won’t stop now. And even if I don’t get a job for a while and PSU rejects me, I’ll still be okay. It’ll be hard, devastating even, but I’ll get through it. I’ll survive, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned through this year, it’s to have faith that I’ll succeed, because I will. I will.